How exactly to submit an application for an Academic Job as well as Summon the Ancient Mesopotamian Demon Pazuzu

by Ross Bullen

Look out for job postings within the places that are usual the Chronicle of Higher Education, faculty listservs, and esoteric manuscripts hidden in the Vatican library. Pay attention that is particular jobs located nearby the Tigris and Euphrates rivers within the Fertile Crescent region. Job ads written in Sumerian cuneiform should go when you look at the “definitely apply” pile. Same applies to any job that gives to pay for you in livestock, grain, or small golden trinkets. For you, try staring into a broken mirror and saying the name of the school 666 times if you’re not sure if a job is right. If the mirror starts to bleed, you’re definitely on the track that is right.

List most of the goods that are worldlygrain reserves, coin hoards, first-born children) you would certainly be prepared to sacrifice to get this job. Two pages, single-spaced, maximum. Address the letter “To whom it would likely concern,” throw it to the Dead Sea, and acquire ready to play the waiting game.

Wake up every morning and look the Academic Jobs Wiki. Then check to see in the event the bathtub is full of blood. In case it is, congratulations! What this means is the Mesopotamian demon Pazuzu has accepted your offer. Using the Babylonian urn you buried under the chair’s office as a portal through the netherworld to this plane of existence, he has infiltrated the campus, and possessed the search committee chair. Later that day, you are going to watch seven crows fall through the sky and land in a perfect circle, which can be an indication which you have now been offered a job interview (you will even receive a contact about it). Okay, it is time to get excited! Pack your bags! (With a large crucifix and several copper daggers!)

Take a seat with the search committee.

Remember: they’re nervous too. The search chair seems especially distressed — head rotating 360°, vomiting bile, cursing in an dialect that is unknown. This could be the consequence of either demonic possession or a rejected application that is sabbatical. You have to be sure. Show the chair the crucifix that is large copper daggers you brought with you. If he takes one of many daggers and carves the expressed words“Publish Or Perish” into his torso, you’ll know that Pazuzu is going to force all of those other committee to engage you. With the dagger, he may need more persuading if he tries to stab you. Try brandishing the crucifix and yelling, “The power of Christ compels you!” ( NOTE : if it is a school that is secular yelling something in regards to the power of innovation instead). At this time, Pazuzu will either help you get the task or disappear forever in a cloud of sulfurous smoke that is black. Regardless, you really need to thank the committee for his or her time, go homeward, and wait for the working job buy essay offer/writ of excommunication to reach in your inbox.

You’ll have five years to create a book, a dozen journal articles, teach four classes per semester, and lay on an endless procession of committees, all while attempting to pay off your student loans and continue maintaining the illusion of a personal life. Sorry, but even an ancient demon like Pazuzu has limits to his powers. We suggest searching for a source that is truly malevolent of instead, like Baphomet, Beelzebub, or — if things get really desperate — the university president’s office.